The Fuzzy Wumpa would like to escort you to class

Kushiel's Dart is Jacqueline Carey's first novel and the first of the novels in her Kushiel's Legacy series. The idea for this book first came to Carey when she was reading the Biblical Book of Genesis, and specifically a passage about "sons of God" coming into the "daughters of Men." Later, when she was writing a coffee table book, she encountered Jewish folklore, which paralleled the story in greater detail. The fictional nation of Terre D'Ange in the story was founded by a rebel angel.

The Kushiel's Legacy series takes place in a medieval world that is modeled on Earth (the map at the beginning of the novels is a map of Earth, with creatively historically named countries). The main characters are from Terre d'Ange (French for: Land of Angels), which occupies the area of France.
Terre d'Ange was founded by Elua and His Companions and is thereby a nation of progeny of fallen angels.

What follows is called the Eluine Cycle and tells the story of Elua:

Elua was conceived through the blood of Yeshua ben Yosef, the son of the One God, where a spear from a soldier of Tiberium (Rome) pierced his side, and the tears of the Magdalene, combined in the womb of Mother Earth herself.
While the One God mourned the loss of his son, Elua travelled the land but was reviled and rejected by most given that he was not the One God's legitimate son and as the enemy's offspring by the people of Tiberium.
In Persis he was arrested for unknown charges, but the tales of his travels had reached Heaven and eight of God's own angels, Azza, Anael, Camael, Cassiel, Eisheth, Kushiel, Naamah and Shemhazai came to free him.

Naamah was the first. She went to the King of Persis and offered one night of pleasure with her in return for Elua's freedom. The King accepted and each of the Thirteen Houses of the Court of Night-Blooming Flowers have a version of that story. After, however, the King of Persis was afraid of the One God's wrath and broke his promise to Naamah. Fearing the Angels, instead of killing Elua, he gave them strong wine to drink and put him on a boat in the middle of the sea with no sails. Elua sang and dolphins brought him to shore.

Elua went to Bhodistan (India), and while the people of Bhodistan did not wish to turn away from their multitude of Gods, they saw the light in Elua and wished him no harm. When Elua was hungry and Mother Earth's creatures could not sustain him, Naamah would lay with strangers in the market. As such, Namaah's Servants (see Court of Night-Blooming Flowers) are near-holy figures and perform an almost sacred act. While wandering in Skaldia (Germany), Elua made friends of ravens and wolves.
They came to Terre d'Ange, a then nameless country, as the armies of Tiberium were retreating from it, during the collapse of their empire. They saw that the land that was fertile and beautiful and the people here welcomed them with open arms. Here Elua and His Companions each founded their own territories except for Cassiel, remaining loyal to the One God, and Elua whose territory was all of Terre D'Ange.

Excerpt: “For many years they dwelled there and abided by blessed Elua's precept, ‘Love as thou wilt.’ And Elua and his Companions lay with women and with men, and many children were begotten, save only unto Cassiel, who kept the One God's commandments. But the other Companions did not, and those secrets which they had brought from Heaven, they did teach to their children, and they grew wise in many arts.”

After "three-score years" the One God turned from his grieving over the death of his son Yeshua and saw what Elua and his Companions had created. "He saw that their offspring would overrun the earth", and so sent the leader of his host to summon them before him. "But blessed Elua smiled upon the leader of the One God's host and gave him the kiss of peace, laying wreathes of flowers about his neck, and the One God's commander returned ashamed and empty-handed." The One God then sent his arch-herald with an offer of forgiveness and a place next to him in heaven. Elua turned to Cassiel and borrowed his dagger. He scored the palm of his own hand and where his blood fell on the earth anemones bloomed. Elua refused saying, "My grandfather's Heaven is bloodless and I am not. Let him offer a better place, where we may love and sing and grow as we are wont, where our children and our children's children may join us, and I will go." He was told there is no such place. Then Mother Earth spoke to her once-husband The One God and said they may create such a place together. "Thus was the creation of the true Terre d'Ange that lies beyond mortal perception, and blessed Elua and his Companions went willingly into it, passing not through the dark gate of death, but straightway through the bright gate. And alone among them, only Cassiel gazed backward in sorrow."

<End of the Eluine Cycle>

The D’Angeline Pantheon:

Anael
Anael gave mankind the gift of husbandry and taught the growing of crops and care of the land. Scions of Anael have the telltale scent of apples, which rises from their skin when feeling strong emotions. His province is L'Agnace, the heartland of Terre d'Ange. His priests and priestesses wear brown robes with a rope belt.

Azza
Azza gifted mankind with knowledge of navigation. The Yeshuites (The Jews) name his sin as that of pride. He founded the realm of Azzalle. Priests and priestesses of Azza wear bronze masks of Azza and saffron tunics with crimson chlamys fastened with bronze brooches.
The temple in the city of Elua has a giant copper dome that can be seen from many areas in the city. In the temple the statue of Azza holds one hand open, palm upward, and the other hand holds a sextant. The burning of incense is common in his worship.

Camael
Camael is a martial angel, and founded the first armies of D'Angeline troops. His territory is Camlach. His priests wear a dark green surplice and a sword.

Cassiel
Cassiel, alone among the eight, took no province of Terre d'Ange as his own, choosing instead to remain at Elua's side as he traversed the world, a choice for which he believed himself eternally damned. Cassiel has no temples, but the Cassiline Brotherhood was founded for him.

Eisheth
Eisheth was noted for her gentleness and for giving humanity the healing arts, which is why so many of the best healers come from her province, which is Eisande. She is also credited with gifting the D'Angelines with music and story, which is why Eisande gave rise to the Mendacants, or traveling bards. Her priests and priestess wear sea-blue robes.
In order to conceive, a woman of Terre d'Ange must pray and light a candle to Eisheth to open the gates of her womb. Once such a prayer is made, it can never be taken back. Unwanted children still occur, but presumably only to those who had invoked Eisheth in their lives previously.

Kushiel
Kushiel was the Punisher for the One God who delivered torments onto mortal sinners in order that they might repent. Alone among the punishing angels, he understood that chastisement was an act of love; and the sinners in his charge too came to understand and loved him for it. "He gave them pain like balm, and they begged him for it, finding not redemption, but a love that transcended the divine." This displeased the One God, who desired worship above all things. It is said in his province (Kusheth) that when Kushiel's sinners were offered the chance for repentance they refused out of love of their lord. Kushiel saw in Elua a soul that understood what he did, and thus left the service of the One God to follow Elua in his wanderings.
Kusheth is the home of the Shahrizai, one of the Great Houses, who are from his line. One important member of this family is Melisande Shahrizai. According to Melisande, any D'Angeline who kills an anguissette will be tormented in hell for 1000 years but if the D'Angeline is a scion of Kushiel they will be tormented for 10,000 years.
The priests of Kushiel wear black robes and full bronze masks, so that their identities are kept completely secret, including even their gender. Atonement for sins in Kushiel's temple involves a thorough flogging, to purge the guilt from one's soul.
Kushiel's Dart is the name given to a red mote appearing in the eye of one of his chosen mortals, marking the bearer as an anguissette. The heroine of the first trilogy, Phèdre nó Delaunay, bears this mark.

Naamah
Her domain is that of sexuality. Naamah's province in Terre d'Ange is Namarre. Priests and Priestesses of Naamah wear scarlet robes.
To enter her order, after training that is very similar to those of the Court of Night-Blooming Flowers, an acolyte must complete a year of Service. During this time they wander Terre d'Ange and are forbidden to refuse anyone who seeks them out of true longing. This is to help them to better understand the sacrifice of the goddess sleeping with mortals. In return Naamah blesses them with desire for each patron. After this year of service they are free to choose patrons and lovers as they wish.
Servants of Naamah refers to those who engage in prostitution, which is a holy act in Terre d'Ange. They bear marques (tattoos) on their backs as a sign of their trade. The most elite of these are the adepts of the Court of Night-Blooming Flowers, also known as the Night Court. Each of these Houses holds to a different explanation of why Naamah lay with the King of Persis, and caters to different preferences accordingly. It is blasphemous for a Servant of Naamah to have an assignation with anyone he or she does not desire, or to be forced to take assignations. For this reason, some Servants of Naamah will complete their marques in other ways (such as clothing design, etc.) and some will simply remain as teachers.

Shemhazai
Shemhazai is noted for treasuring knowledge, and is credited with teaching the D'Angelines their written language. His territory is Siovale and his priests and priestesses wear grey robes.
One of his temples in southern Siovale has a mechanical statue of Shemhazai, which moves to turn a placard toward his worshippers. The placard says, "All knowledge is worth having".


Elua's only commandment to his followers was to love as thou wilt. The nation of Terre d'Ange takes it as their guiding philosophy, and as such embrace all forms of love. This makes them a sexually liberated culture, accepting of homosexuality, bisexuality, and BDSM. Rape is not only a crime, because of this precept, it is the highest and most severe heresy. This includes forced intimacy as well as sexual acts with minors (generally considered under age 16 in the series) or animals as neither can make fully thought-out decisions or thereby give true consent.

Temples of Elua have no roof, only four pillars to mark the corners. The centre is unpaved. Everything, from oak trees to flowers and weeds, may grow well tended. There is usually a statue of Elua present, standing with unbound hair and an eternal smile, one hand extended in offering, the other scored with the mark of his mortality. Visitors have to walk barefoot in the temple. Elua's priests wear blue robes, no mask, and always walk barefooted as Elua did on Earth. Anemones or lilies, traditionally associated with Blessed Elua, can be offered to him. The Temple in the City of Elua has one of the oldest works of D'Angeline art and some call the large marble statue crude looking.

There is also the annual celebration of the Longest Night. This is a celebration dating to before the arrival of Elua. It is said that Elua loved the practice so much that it was adopted by Him and His Companions. Followers of Cassiel celebrate this night differently with Elua's Vigil.

The Longest Night is the major holiday of Terre d'Ange. It is celebrated on the winter solstice each year. The holiday centers around celebration of the sun's return, so two people always play the Winter Queen and the Sun Prince at the masque. The Winter Queen appears as an old woman clad in rags, stooped and hobbling with a cane. The Sun Prince, a young man clad all in gold, enters when the horologist calls the hour of the sun's return and all the lights are extinguished. The Sun Prince taps the Winter Queen with his spear and she lifts off her rags, appearing as a young woman (Symbolizing Winters transformation into Spring).

Cassiline Brothers mark the Longest Night by holding Elua's vigil. They spend the entire night meditating in temples of Elua.

The Cassiline Brotherhood is an order of priests loyal to Cassiel. Cassiline Brothers act as bodyguards to a sworn charge. Traditionally, the ruler of Terre d'Ange is guarded by two Cassilines.

Training to become a Cassiline Brother begins at age 10. It is custom for noble families to send their middle son to become a Cassiline Brother.

The Court of Night Blooming Flowers:

Each house is led by a Dowayne, who is assisted by his or her Second. There are about three hundred adepts total between the houses. Mandrake and Valerian have smaller clientele than the other houses.

Children may be born into a house, or they may be sold into one. Adepts may be paired off with the hopes of producing children to fit the house's canon. Any children who do fit the canon are kept, any who don't will have their marques sold to other houses.

Dedication into Naamah's Service happens at age thirteen. The ceremony takes place at each house's own temple of Naamah. A priest or priestess of Naamah performs the ceremony, which involves releasing a dove. Their instruction typically begins with a Showing. A Showing is a performance where an audience watches a pair of adepts have sex. It is always the pairing of a man and a woman for a new initiate, but Showings may vary in content otherwise. Any member of the house is welcome to attend a Showing that is taking place. After viewing this, the initiate begins instruction in the arts of sensuality and seduction while learning the skills necessary for a member of their house. Erotic texts such as the Trois Milles Joies, the Ecstatica, the Journey of Naamah and the Log of Seven Hundred Kisses are studied.

When an adept reaches age sixteen, they are ready to begin taking patrons. They have a debut where prospective patrons come to view them and offer a price for their virginity. Once they start taking patrons, an adept can begin to pay off their debt to the house. Any money for an assignation goes to the house. Any other money received, known as a patron gift, goes toward the adept's marque. Patron gifts are typically placed in a sculpture of two cupped hands, called Naamah's hands.

A marque is an elaborate tattoo limned on the backs of adepts. This is done because it is said Naamah scratched the backs of patrons who pleased her and the marks never faded. Each house has its own specific marque pattern. Any patron gifts an adept earns will go to the marquist for the completion of their marque. Adepts do not display their marques before they are completed. A marque is not complete until it has been seen and acknowledged as such by the adept's Dowayne. Once an adept has made their marque, they are free to either leave the house or stay and give a portion of their earnings to it.

Alyssum House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is modesty and its motto is With Eyes Averted.
Alyssum adepts are skilled at creating the illusion of modesty, a rare trait in Terre d'Ange. They believe that Naamah trembled to lay aside her modesty when she slept with the King of Persis.

Balm House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is healing and its motto is Rest and Be Soothed.
Balm adepts are trained to soothe their patrons' hurts. They are skilled in massage and other healing techniques. Adepts are often master masseurs. They believe that Naamah went to the King of Persis in compassion, to heal the pain in his soul.

Bryony House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is wealth and its motto is Wealth Seeks Company.
Bryony adepts are trained in all forms of gambling and they are famed for never losing bets, even to Tsingani (Gypsies). It is the wealthiest of the thirteen houses. It is also the only house where adepts will wager for their favors. Adepts learn how to manage money and some go on to work in the Royal Treasury after making their marques. They believe that Naamah made a good bargain of it when she slept with the King of Persis.

Camellia House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is perfection and its motto is Without Fault or Flaw.
There is no canon other than perfection. Adepts may vary in coloring, but they must be flawless. They believe that when Naamah slept with the King of Persis, her perfection unveiled left him blind for a fortnight.

Cereus House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is fragility and its motto is All Loveliness Fades.
Cereus adepts are renowned for their fragility and delicate, pale beauty. They cultivate an appreciation for the fleeting nature of life and beauty. They believe that beauty is at its most poignant just as it's about to fade. Some adepts find true steel within themselves once their beauty fades. The ideal appearance of a Cereus adept is fragile and beautiful, with blond hair.

Dahlia House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is dignity and its motto is Upright and Unbending.
Dahlia adepts are known to be haughty, reserved and dignified, keeping with the canon of their house. They say that Naamah bestowed herself like a queen when she slept with the King of Persis.

Eglantine House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is creativity and its motto is To Create is to Live.
Eglantine is the house of performance and creativity. Its adepts are all trained to the arts, such as writing, singing, dancing, music, acting or sewing. There is a streak of "madcap genius" in the house and children are encouraged to behave in ways that would be frowned upon in other houses. They say that Naamah charmed the King of Persis with the sweetness of her song.

Gentian House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is mysticism and its motto is Truth and Vision.
Gentian adepts are similar to Balm adepts in that they are trained in the healing arts, such as massage. However Gentian adepts learn types of mysticism as well, such as dream interpretation. They believe that when Naamah slept with the King of Persis, she was filled with a mystic purity of spirit.

Heliotrope House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is devotion and its motto is Thou, and No Other.
Heliotrope adepts are skilled at creating the illusion of unwavering devotion and loyalty to their patrons. Adepts are said to have the ability to make each patron feel like they are the only one to touch their hearts. Their belief is that Naamah basked in love as if in the sun.

Jasmine House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is sensuality and its motto is For Pleasure's Sake.
Jasmine House cultivates an atmosphere of sensuality, pleasure and exoticism. As such, the house has a specific physical canon- dusky skin and dark hair is required. Ivory skin is too pale for their canon. Adepts are renowned for their stamina. They believe that Naamah slept with the King of Persis for pleasure.

Mandrake House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is dominance and its motto is Yield All.
Mandrake is one of the houses of pain in the Night Court, along with Valerian House. They revere Kushiel as well as Naamah. Adepts are trained to administer pain to patrons. It is the only house besides Valerian to use a signale, but in this case it is for the patron's benefit. They say that Naamah chose her patrons like victims and whipped them to violent pleasures, leaving them sated and half-dead when it was over.

Orchis House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is humor and its motto is Joy in Laughter.
Orchis adepts approach Naamah's Service with joy, laughter and gaiety. They learn how to make patrons laugh and are known for their lighthearted demeanor. They say that Naamah slept with the King of Persis for a lark.

Valerian House is one of the thirteen houses of the Night Court. Its canon is submission and its motto is I Yield.
Valerian is one of the houses of pain in the Night Court, along with Mandrake House. They revere Kushiel as well as Naamah. Adepts are trained to receive pain from patrons. It is the only house besides Mandrake to use a signale, but in this case it is for the adept's benefit. Valerian adepts take pride in what they do and want to have their limits tested.

  Original Post:
  
Is attracted to someone she really needs to NOT be attracted to. This is not okay on many levels. This, just…no, no. All things bad.
*Sexual Frustration over 9000*

My friend Erin's response:

Is everything okay?

Follow up:

Yeah. It is what I mentioned to you on Sunday. It might actually become a problem. I don’t really know how to handle the situation though other then by not doing anything about it and just drowning in a pool of sexual frustration.

I’m not sure If I should talk to Mikey about it or not because I don’t want it to come off as an ultimatum, because that is NOT what I want. I respect and understand where he is coming from but my hormones are going haywire. I have needs that are not being fulfilled so I am subconsciously looking for them elsewhere. Plus, I think it would really only worry him and hurt his feelings, none of these things are things I want to do.  It is okay and healthy to be attracted to other people, as long as you want the one you are with more than the others, and I do.

“Want me first and foremost, not exclusively.”

Plus, as far as I know, the attraction is only on my end. Now all I need to do is stop eye fucking this other guy.

 Edit (from Thursday):

I’m just lonely and confused.

I hardly ever get to see my boyfriend and today he bailed on me to see a movie with his sister (because her boyfriend bailed on her and otherwise it would have been a waste of money on the ticket she already bought).
I understand and everything, but seeing him is the highlight of my week, especially with all of my David feels happening I was looking forward to seeing him, to ground myself in him. To reaffirm that I want him more than the others and that he does in fact care about me, no matter how much I can convince myself otherwise.

Edit (From Saturday):

Also, I think not seeing him at a time like this is really damaging. I need a break from my wayward thoughts. A break I am not getting so it keeps kind of building up inside. I can’t derail it on my own.

I feel so alienated from my friends right now. It is not as if I spend every waking moment with them, like some people do, but now I barely see them at all.  I see Chelsey, my best friend, maybe once a month and other friends even less.  I was seeing Donovan on a fairly regular basis but that has all but evaporated. I don't think we have spoken more than a handful of times since he got back from Chicago last month.  The only person I really see is Boy and I don't act entirely myself around him; I am reserved, cautious.  It's like every time I see him he is a completely different person and I don't know what will upset him and what won't.  I am too busy trying not to make a wrong move that I can't relax and be myself.

Everyone I care about prefers the company of others. I am so desperately lonely and I don't know what to do. I don't want to intrude on their lives or to crowd them (or even worse, to reach out and then be brushed off completely).  What am I going to do when Erin gets married next week?  My oldest friend will be leaving for good. It is not as if we have been incredibly close lately, in fact I barely spend time with her, but of all the people in the world she knows me, understands me, the best.  What is it going to be like when she is living on the other side of the country? I think it is going to hurt, I think it is going to hurt a lot...I just haven't felt this alone in a very long time and I don't see this situation changing anytime soon, in fact it will probably only get worse, what with Erin leaving and Kyla transferring to State.  It's not being alone that bothers me, it is the feeling that the people you love don't care as much about you as you do for them and not being able to figure out why.  The person that I could really count on to take an interest in me and my life was Michael, and I pushed him away because I felt that that interest was more than friendly.  Now it's odd, I think we are both in the same situation but we can't help one another, not directly at least.

     Well, I think I can easily say that today was the single worst day at work I have ever experienced. Not just for me, but pretty much for everyone.  I was ten minutes late to begin with, already and excellent start to the day, and I notice there is vomit in the parking lot; this should have been a tip off about how this day was going to go.  Some genius decided that it would be a great idea to put a bed in the middle of the walk way by the bathrooms; just chillin' in the middle of the fucking floor, it looks like it got lost.  Also, there were chairs lined up at the end of the rows in the women's department, which isn't a problem until you realize that now we can't put any z-racks there.  Other then that the day is going alright until I hear, from across the store, a shouting match which seems to include one of the managers, Angie, and a male voice that I can't immediately identify.  I approach Sam about it a little while later and she tells me that it was Angie and Leron, one of the dock guys.  She then proceeds to tell me the story of why they were screaming at one another; however, it is very clearly biased towards Angie.  Something to do with a domestic problem for Leron at home and how he moved out and stored some of his things in the office, which Angie wouldn't let him get at? I don't know, it wasn't very clear. Anyway, they shout at each other, Leron quits and then Denis calls the cops and Leron Gets. Fucking. Arrested. for some reason. They don't just arrest people for yelling at a co-worker. What the fuck? It better not have been because he is black.

     Anyway, so now David is alone on the Dock. He is drowning in donations never mind the furniture carry-outs inside of the store. They try to call some of the other Dock guys, Alan and Josh already worked that day and so are unlikely to come back in, Donovan is busy, and Isaac doesn't answer his phone.  They end up pulling Andrew, my fellow floor staffer and the person who was supposed to help me close, and Ashley, a key holder, back to help David on the dock.  I am left alone on the floor, which is a hot mess by the by.  At the end of the evening I end up just getting a cart, putting all of the overs and unders in it, ripping the tags off, and putting them back on the line to be reprocessed.   Anyway, back to earlier in the day. I am busy working on taming the fitting room situation when I notice a cart piled high with dresses a little way away.  I just scoffed and decided to save it for later, after I had gotten all of the clothing out of the fitting rooms and cleared out all of the abandoned carts.  Luckily a customer comes over a few seconds later and claims that the cart is hers and that she is saving it for her daughter to try on when she gets here; however, she has another cart full of stuff that she doesn't know what to do with.  I tell her that she can leave it up by the registers until she is ready to check out.  Shortly there after I get called up to the jewelry counter and who should I find there but that woman.  She asks me if we have any religious paraphernalia which I have absolutely no fucking way of knowing considering I do not normally work at the jewelry counter and therefore am not well versed on it's contents.  I think to myself "Why can't you use your eyes and don't call someone up to wait on you until you know what you want like every other customer does."  In addition she tells me, about four times "I love watches. I collect watches." and asks me to pull out every. single. fucking. watch. that I see and put it on the counter for her to look at. You're not blind bitch! Look at the damn watches yourself.  There are three other people at the jewelry counter sitting here waiting but by all fucking means take your sweet ass time.  I try to bounce around to the other people waiting but I am there for two seconds before she calls me back again, asking if there is anything religious "I love religious things. blah. blah. blah." to which I respond "I don't know, you will have to look."  ALSO, once she is done looking at something she doesn't tell me if she is interested in it or not, she just moves along to the next thing she wants to look at so I don't know whether to put the items back or not. I try to ask her but she doesn't answer me.  The other customers are making comments like "When you get a second..." and "Wow, you are just busy busy." giving me these "I am so sorry for you" looks.  She has me up at the Jewelry counter for half an hour (and for those of you who aren't aware, that is a long time). By the time I get back to the floor it is 8:50 something and the fitting rooms are supposed to be closed (a fact that Mary has announced over the P.A. system about three times already). I head over there to start locking things up and it turns out the ladies daughter is still in there trying things on and I have to wait for her to finish trying on the mountain of dresses before I can close up the fitting rooms properly.  She is the last customer in the store and doesn't end up buying any of the jewelry that she just spent a half an hour looking at.  she also doesn't buy a bunch of things from her cart and almost doesn't want to purchase anything.  She used a card and asks Mary to put all of the money she just spent back on it and Mary says "I'm sorry, I can't do that." and the lady starts arguing with her. "It's easy, just put the money back on the card." Mary repeats herself "I can't do that. None of the Salvation Armies in the area can do that." The lady has a shit fit and storms out. AND, speaking of shit, the pièce de résistance of the evening. There was shit on the floor in the men's department. Straight up feces. And guess who got to clean it up? (but then again, I said I would just so no one else had to) What the actual fuck?

     And that was just MY portion of the day. Apparently a customer made Mary write her an in store credit for sixty cents and someone else paid entirely in dimes.  As for the dock, other than the insurmountable amount of donations, someone insisted on taking pictures of every single item that they donated (because, you know they couldn't have fucking done that BEFORE they got to the store or anything) and they insisted that Andrew be the one that hold everything to be photographed.  When Ashley offered they said "No offense but...he is perfectly capable of doing it." and when it came time to sign the receipt they refused to use the pens on the dock, "We have our own pens, thanks." What the fuck even is that? WHAT. THE. FUCK? Thank the sweet merciful gods today is over.

I think my stomach just dropped out.  Oh god, please don't do this to me.  Not now.

Paranoia, why do you have to be such a little bitch?

Calm down, it's not what you think.  He made himself fairly clear, you are just jumping at shadows. Calm the fuck down.

     I feel like work is consuming my life. They love to have me close (mainly because I am one of the only people who is available to close AND because I will stay late to make sure that the store doesn't look like a fucking mess)...but on the days I close that is really the only thing I do. I wake up, go to work at 12:30, and come home sometime after 9.  The entire day has passed me by, my energy is gone, I have no motivation to do anything, all of my creative energy is gone...I don't know. I kind of hate it.  Every day I am working this week I will be closing.  They have me at 38.5 hours right now and I want to request only 32 but Denis told me that he is putting up a sign that informs all staff that he will be ignoring all "RTO's" for the next 30 days (which I am pretty sure is illegal but whatever).  I guess I have no valid reason to request fewer hours other than "I fucking hate working so much".  I mean, I do have to babysit Autumn a few days a week this summer, but when I told Denis this he asked what time I would be watching her, essentially asking if I would be available to work after having just run around after a screaming toddler.  I work full time at a somewhat physically taxing job for minimum wage.  On the one hand I need this job to pay my bills, on the other hand I am not really living or enjoying my life because all I do is work.  Welcome to life, right? Well fuck that, if this is "life" then I am not really interested.

     I talked to Donovan about it and he has demanded that I ask for fewer hours.  I just don't want to put myself in a bad position with my bosses, what with my requesting time off for Into the Woods (which Denis really didn't understand because I wasn't getting paid for it "You sacrificed work for something that wasn't even paying you?") and the fact that they are rather trigger happy when it comes to firing people.  I don't know. Maybe I should talk to Sam, my supervisor, about it.  Though, she works 40 hours and has more responsibility than I do, plus health problems, so she may not want to hear my whining.

     And, what is more, when I was talking to Denis the other day he pretty much asked if I would be interested in being an Assistant Manager.  I told him "not at this point in time" or something along those lines.  One of the reasons I mentioned for this was that I was still planning on going to school in the fall and wasn't sure that I would be able to put in the required 40 hours. Denis replied with something about how Ronnie used to Manage a store and go to school on his day off.  That is fucking great for him but I am really not interested.  First of all, I would be working 40 hours (payed, I would actually be working longer than that and just not be getting payed for it), they would be passing over SO MANY people, I definitely wouldn't have time for a life outside of work, I wouldn't really be making that much more then I am presently, It would be extremely stressful, and I would be under near constant scrutiny from my coworkers and my bosses.  Also, I am not very politically minded.  I am honest, I say what I think, and I don't play games; which are not good qualities for management.  Also, I am fairly certain that the only reason he mentioned this is because 1) I have a reasonably good work ethic even though my job makes me miserable 2) Jerrica resigned and 3) They are trying to force Susanna to quit because her recent back injury has made her a liability.

Edit: and then I think "Is it possible that there is absolutely nothing wrong with your life and no matter what or how many things you change about it, you will simply never be happy?"

Remember back in the day (about a year ago) when I was doing a 100 day meme (and also that controversial topics meme)? Well, I have decided to pick that up again. And, once again, don't expect these days to be consecutive.

Day 23: A SCHOOL PICTURE

Well, you can't say you didn't ask for it:

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Day 23: What do you think about thinspo?

I don't think aspiring to be a certain body type is a good idea: It promotes a negative self image and self destructive behaviour.  I think a focus on being "healthy" would be a much better choice, rather than being "thin".  "Healthy" can span a lot of different body types and weights.  It is important to remember that fat is not the ultimate evil, it is okay to have fat on your body as long as it is within the healthy range. Just take care of yourself and learn to appreciate your body.

     I had every intention of closing this journal today and starting a new one...but then, I was in the process of doing so and realized...I really don't want to do that.  Why should I have to sacrifice something that I have built and poured my heart into for the past six years just to avoid a little conflict? So I came up with a solution. It may blow up in my face, but if that happens I will be ready. I have good reasons behind my decision and if he tries to pull that wounded puppy dog shit on me or gets passive aggressive I will snap him like a twig. I am tired of feeling like I have to censor myself just to avoid hurting someone's feelings.  I have routinely diffused situations he has made tense or awkward. I have dealt with his neediness and his moody tantrums. I avoid conflict. I'm tired of being nice because obviously it is getting me nowhere. There are plenty of times I could have been harsh or completely honest but I didn't because I thought "I have hurt him enough"; I have spared the rod, I won't do it anymore. (And I know I don't get a cookie for not being a bitch thus far, that is not what this is about.)  It seems glaringly clear to me that we cannot be friends, we can never be friends and honestly I am happy with this. So I put some space between us, maybe he'll notice, maybe not.  I think that is the best course of action: Isolation.  Maybe he will finally be able to move on and I wont end up getting so annoyed that I break his nose.

My patience is running thin. I find it difficult to maintain my composure. If he can't handle this situation with maturity, like a reasonable adult, then I will not be as magnanimous as I have been in the past.

     Why do I feel like I am knowingly walking into a trap?  I'm going to get hurt again, I just know it.
     But I'll wait, even if it means I am just waiting for the pain. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" as they say.

     Good god, I am talking to him right now, not about any of this though naturally, and I feel like my heart is desperately trying to reach out to him.